Why Do I Keep Hoping? When Connection Turns into Conflict

Why do I keep hoping? Why can't I just give up? My throat is still sore from all the screaming tonight. I had to yell at him because he triggered me into a rage that felt completely beyond my control. As he started screaming, I asked him why he was yelling. We had been so at ease and at peace recently. I had almost forgotten what it was really like. For a second, I thought there was a genuine future for us together, just him and me.

We were supposed to meet today and work on our business together. I was actually looking forward to it. I had already gone through a really tough day. My house still has a leak, and my insurance company just denied my claim. To make matters worse, I realized my current insurance policy isn't good anyway, so now I need to spend time finding a new provider.

I was at work, but my mind was completely elsewhere. Even my colleagues noticed, and practically everyone I passed ended up hearing about my frustrating day.

At the end of the workday, I received a text from my boyfriend saying he was going away from home for a while. I already knew in my gut that he was doing something with his ex and his child. I wasn't sure exactly what, but I knew. That alone instantly irritated me.

An hour later, he texted me saying he had to take someone to the emergency room, and he asked me to let him know what time I would be at his place. I felt so irritated because when he used the word "someone," I knew for sure it was his ex. Still, I texted back and asked if everything was okay.

Right after that, I walked out to my car. I decided to call him so we could align on my arrival time, or even see if he still wanted to meet up at all.

Honestly, I didn't even feel like meeting anymore. I hated that he was over there with her again. She always relies on him, and she constantly calls him. I hate that dynamic because when I call him needing help, his response is always, "You have your parents, but she is alone." I feel that he would never come to my aid the way he does for her.

I hate feeling like this, but especially letting me behave like his. The hard truth is that we bring out the worst in each other.

I called him three times on my drive, but he never picked up. He just kept texting to ask about my arrival time. In my mind, all I wanted to do was turn around and go home. Then, at one point, he finally admitted he was with her. I was fully triggered, and pure anger clouded my judgment from that second on.

I was in Dordrecht when I made the split decision to turn back home. I just couldn't do this anymore.

My reaction and my behavior were a huge disappointment to myself, and to him as well, especially since he had arranged things to meet tonight despite his obligations. Do I feel bad about how things went? Yes, I do. Was this the right way to react? Of course not.

All I want is a safe space where I don't feel threatened, and where I don't feel forced to scream just because I feel like someone else is stealing the love of my life.